


I'd Like To Be My Old Self Again, (I'm Still Trying To Find It)

by Okay_and_Forever



Category: Legacies (TV 2018), The Originals (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Giorgia said Jade Whigham so that's her last name here, Jade centric, Jade has severe PTSD, M/M, hizzie in later chapters, it's four am and i have not slept, jade meets penelope, no more spoilers for now haha, posie gets closure but they aren't actually in this, wandon background relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:54:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23459695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Okay_and_Forever/pseuds/Okay_and_Forever
Summary: "Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too muchBut maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all upRunning scared, I was there, I remember it all too wellHey, you call me up again just to break me like a promiseSo casually cruel in the name of being honestI'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here'Cause I remember it all, all, all too well"Maybe I just remember it all too well, even after all these years, I remember everything, and it's miserable. Inez made everything go dark, maybe Joze could be the one to bring me back to the light.
Relationships: Hope Mikaelson/Lizzie Saltzman, Jade & Lizzie Saltzman, Jade & Penelope Park, Jade/Josie Saltzman, Penelope Park/Josie Saltzman, Wade/Landon Kirby
Comments: 7
Kudos: 30





	1. I Think I'm A Hypocrite, I Ain't Proud Of It

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've really gotten into writing in a long time, and I'm really excited to share it with all of you!
> 
> Update: I know I haven't updated this in a very long time. I started it over spring break, and then I got super busy because of all of the changes in school. I'm going to try to wrap up a couple of my older fics that I never finished (I mean, like, a couple of years older), and then I will start writing this one again. I finally finished school for good, so now I have all the time in the world, and there's a hizzie fic that reminded me of how I used to feel while writing these, (I think it's called "Shamelessly Flirting" so go check that out if you haven't already and give the writer all of the best comments ever because it is a seriously great fic), which made me super pumped to get back into these stories. I'm sorry for taking so long, but that's life right? Haha.

Asking for advice is hard. Especially when the whole world is just waiting for you to screw up again. They don’t want to help, all they want is to protect themselves from whatever horrible thing you do the next time you get thrown into a situation where you can’t control yourself. But what makes it even harder is how you  _ know  _ that they’re rooting for you, even if they won’t actually help you win.

There are the looks, those are the worst. Those looks where you can just tell that everybody around you is judging your every move, every breath, every step. Those looks that spread emotion with so much intensity you don’t even have to see it to know it’s happening. Then there are the comments as if it’s anything I don’t already tell myself on a daily basis.  _ Breathe, Jade. Don’t want to get too worked up. . . What’s the ripper doing in our class? Lol witches, might wanna transfer. . . Hey, Jade. What’s worse; five dead kids burned at the stake, or one dead girlfriend burned at five stakes?....  _ Oh, and let’s not forget my personal favorite, the most original of all.  _ What the hell is she doing here? _ Yeah, nice one, Lizzie. You really got me good.

Honestly, that isn’t what bothers me being back at the school. What I really worry about, the thing I think over when I can’t sleep at night is the fact that any possibility of becoming a doctor was thrown out the window when I killed Inez. I mean, how am I supposed to be a doctor when I spiral into a murderous hunger every time I smell even one drop of human blood? So, there go my hopes and dreams that I had been holding on to since I was a little kid.

I’ve been trying to keep myself kind of isolated for the past few weeks since Josie woke up. I tried to talk to her a few times, but all she did was blush and say she was sorry. I couldn’t get more than a few words out before she’d say how sorry she was. Sorry for kissing me, for putting me in a difficult position because of her darker self, for when we had secretly admitted our feelings for each other. She apologized for our entire relationship, granted it was only half a day before she went dark. And I wanted to tell her the truth, that I’m not sorry about any of it, that I thought maybe we could be together now that she’s okay again, but I don’t think she wants to hear that. To tell the truth, I am heartbroken over Josie shutting me out. She’s the only person at the school who doesn’t treat me like a box labeled fragile or a villain. One thing she told me before all of this started might help me though, but only if Lizzie will listen to me.

\--

“Lizzie?” I’m filled with anxiety as I walk into the blonde twins’, now single, room.

“What do  _ you  _ want?” I almost give in to the fear and walk away when she scoffs at my presence, but I know this is necessary.

“I- Uhm,” The anxiety increases drastically, causing my throat to swell at the attempted speech, “I need to talk to you about something. It’s important.”

“I’m listening,” The witch calmly sits down on her bed, an invitation to continue speaking.

“Um, so me and Josie were talking one night, and it came up in conversation that you had to go to the hospital for Bipolar disorder,” I try to finish my thoughts quickly, knowing how easily my words could be taken the wrong way, “And I guess, I was just- uh- I was wondering if it helped you? If you think that hospitals actually work?”

As I finish speaking, the look on Lizzie’s face is unreadable. Like she’s trying to solve a puzzle, but never saw what it’s supposed to look like first.

“It did help. It helped a lot, actually,” Lizzie’s expression shifts to something in between confusion and empathy, “Why?”

I don’t want to answer her, but I knew she would probably ask that, so I was able to mentally prepare myself to give an answer anyway.

“Because ever since Josie turned my humanity back on, it feels like my mind is just stuck. Like, this whole time while I wouldn’t let myself feel the pain of what had happened, it was waiting there, constantly growing, getting stronger. Now- now that I’m able to feel again, I don’t know how to. Honestly, it feels like all of the pain from the last ten years just came crashing back in and shattered my head,” Now it’s time for the actual hard part, admitting I need to go somewhere, “I- um- I’ve heard about this special hospital for kids and teens like me, like- like all of us. It’s even got a special treatment unit for vampires who just got their humanity back. The thing is, it’s the only place like it in the world, and it’s in Belgium.”

“Are you-” Lizzie starts speaking out to the universe instead of responding to what I just told her, “Are you fucking kidding me? Twice?! Please, Universe, I am  _ begging you  _ do not put me through this again!”

“Um, Lizzie?” Her attention snaps back to me, and for some reason, she’s started crying, “Are you okay?”

“Fucking Belgium,” Is all she says.

Lizzie goes back over to lay down on her bed, hands over her eyes like she’s blocking out the sun. It feels like at least ten minutes have gone by since she went into her own world, and it feels like I should go, but I’m curious about what she could’ve meant. Just when I’m about to give up and leave, Lizzie sits up and speaks.

“Every time my sister falls for someone, they leave,” She takes another short moment to center her thoughts, “And it’s starting to look like every girl she falls for goes to Belgium.”

“Your sister won’t even talk to me unless she’s saying she’s sorry she ever wanted to be with me, I don’t think I fit into the category girls your sister has fallen for.”

“Trust me, you do. Josie won’t shut up about how much she misses you. It’s  _ really  _ annoying.”

“Oh.”  _ Oh. _


	2. I’m Just Moving Past Feelings I Ain’t Feeling No More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A closer look at what's been happening to Jade that led her to want to go to the hospital.

“So, I talked to the psychiatrist in charge of admissions over at the De Martel Hospital, and they actually had a bed open up this morning. You’ll need to go through a brief interview with the social workers, just to confirm you aren’t a threat to any of their other patients and to make sure you have a support system in place to come back to after treatment.” Dr. Saltzman sighs as he puts down the pen he’s been fidgeting with for the past twenty minutes. His eyes go softer, more emotion flooding into them as he speaks, his voice caring as if he were speaking to one of his daughters, or Hope, “I can tell you’ve been struggling since you got back from the prison world, and I know it’s my fault. I was doing what I thought was right at the time, but I guess it’s true what they all say: hindsight is 20/20. I just- Hospitalization is a big deal. And since this pain is my fault, I’m more than willing to cover the cost as part of your scholarship, but I need you to be absolutely sure that this is what you need, Jade. Once you’re in, there’s no checking out until your doctors say you’re ready. You’d be giving up most of your freedom and control, and I really don’t want to put you through that again. So, promise me that you are sure this is what you need to do.”

I know that going to the hospital means being trapped again. I know I won’t be able to handle that feeling for a while. I know this is a big deal. But I think that’s why I have to go. I can’t sleep through the night anymore, always scared of being killed before the day begins, always planning out how to kill them over and over again in my head. Only it’s worse now. The prison world is gone, collapsed into nothing but an empty void in some distant rift in space and time, my humanity is back on, allowing me to feel joy, sorrow, pain, hope, fear, all the things that make people want to stay alive, Wendy is safe with her family in Iowa, I’m getting a second chance to be a student at the Salvatore School, and all of my fear should have dissipated with that cursed world, but for some reason, my mind  _ knows  _ that the game never ended.

No matter how much I tell myself that it’s over now, that staying alive throughout the entire day without dying an excruciating death isn’t something I need to worry about anymore, I can’t accept it as the truth. So, I stay awake at night, one window open as an escape route, eyes glued to the door, dagger in hand just waiting for someone to walk through ready to kill me in my sleep. In my new dorm room, the first thing I did was memorize everything in the room that could be used as a weapon, where they were, how many steps it takes to get to one from my bed. In my classes, I have to move my chair to see the door. If I can’t see my way out, if I can’t watch the way in, then I can’t pay attention to a word the teachers are saying. And the list goes on.

“I’d rather feel trapped in a place that can help, than be stuck in the murder game you locked me inside for ten years,” I don’t realize the venom in my voice until after I’ve said the words, “I’m sorry. I know you didn’t feel like there was any other way. I’m just. . . stressed. Going to this hospital will be good for me.”

“I’ll set up the interview with the social workers.”

\--

“So, you’re going to Belgium,” Josie knocks shyly on my door before walking fully into the dorm, “This is starting to feel like a pattern with the girls I lo- like.”

“So I’ve heard,” I chuckle at her almost use of the word love, it’s too soon for humans to be in love after a three day relationship,  _ followed by six weeks of her avoiding me because of her evil twin,  _ but vampire emotions are so heightened it’s not uncommon to fall in love after one smile, something that definitely happened the first time Josie Saltzman smiled at me, “What’s up?”

“Just came to say goodbye,” Her eyes start filling with tears, and I can hear them in her words, “And I’ll miss you. I already miss you, Jade.”

“Yeah, I miss you too, but this is a good thing,” I stop packing my bag to walk over and wipe away Josie’s tears before looking her in the eyes with a promise, “I’ll be back before you know it, Joze.”

“You better not be lying to me,” She breathes out, my hands still stroking away stray tears as they fall. And with a single kiss to my forehead, Josie whispers one more thing to me before leaving the room, “See you later, Jay Jay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Catch that The Originals reference with De Martel being the name of the hospital. (Spoiler: Aurora de Martel might show up soon). Please tell me what you think so far in the comments? Thanks for reading, loves!

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be posting new chapters (hopefully) every week. Follow my twitter @JasiesMalivore for updates about when I'll post another chapter, and to see my random tweets about how much I love Giorgia Whigham. HaHa


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